I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
