Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
