I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
