i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
