She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
