I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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