Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Randomize
