I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
