I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
