So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
