Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
