my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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