Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
