I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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