If that was your dad, he is hot
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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