Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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