You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
