My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
