I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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