i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
