the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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