Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
