he puts the penis in happiness.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
