Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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