I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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