I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
