im about as happy as oj after his trial
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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