You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
