and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
