Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
