Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
