how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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