I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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