remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Randomize
