John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
