her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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