I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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