i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
