It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
