Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
