Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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