Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
