I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
