I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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