I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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