gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
