So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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