Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
