I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
