I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
